Dear Patriotic Citizens of America,
My name is Joy B. I am a college graduate, a jack of many trades, and your next presidential hopeful. I believe that I can be and will be an awesome president, when I an eligible. I was born in Washington State. My father was in the navy and so I moved all around the world when I was young but finally settled in back in Washington when I was 10. I am now 25 years old. In July of 2009, I turned 24 and would have lived in the US for the past 14 years. I will then have two out of three requirements under my belt. The third requirement is to be of age (35) which will mean that I can legally run for president in 2020. By then, I believe that we can all get know each other. By 2020, you will have fallen in love with me and we can all begin our professional relationship as President and Countrymen (and women). I think I can win all of your hearts in those years.
I have many personal and professional traits that will make me a wonderful president. Let’s quickly go over a few of those, shall we? I have obtained my B.A.E. from Western Washington University in elementary education. That shows that I am dedicated, persistent, intelligent, hard-working, and that I can B.S. my way through presentations even though, I didn’t really do any research. All of which, should be requirements of any presidential candidate. I completed my student teaching internship in a first grade classroom. That shows that I am patient, can deal with large groups of people, can teach the most stubborn person how to spell “p-o-t-a-t-o” and how to pronounce “strategize” and “nuclear”. I also use a shampoo and conditioner in one. That shows that I can cut corners when I need to and I am still able to get the same results. I mean, have you seen how clean and shiny my hair is? You should caress it. It’s pretty soft too. Go ahead, touch my hair.
As your president, I will be your diplomatic mother. I will listen to your needs. I will do whatever it takes to make sure that you are safe. I will care for you and bake you cookies. I will put band-aids on your ow-ies. I will make Jello and make sure that you get to soccer practice on time. I will love you and do my best to make you happy.
By the time that I am 35, I will have a hearty, trustworthy following that will vote for me no matter what I do, say or don’t say. They will be loyal and I will love them with all my heart. Why would they be so loyal, you may be asking. Because I look good in a suit! Because their friends adore me! Because there is no amount of bull that I could say that would take the bouncy out of my hair! What? You don’t want to vote? You don’t like to vote? You’re an inept, ignorant, lazy slacker that doesn’t appreciate the freedoms that we Americans get, as stated in the Constitution? That’s okay because, when you don’t vote, that’s one less vote for the other candidate. So hear my cry! Vote for me! Or don’t vote at all! After all, don’t you want to see me in the oval office? Don’t you want to be invited to my inaugural kegger? Come on! You know you want me!
This message was approved by Joy B_______ and Joy B_______ for president. Bumper stickers coming soon.
Dear American Voters,
As you may have heard, I am going to be running for the office of Kick Ass President. But you may be wondering, why should I vote for you? What makes you different from your jackass opponents? Well, let me tell you a little bit about myself then. I love to volunteer my time because I think that most times, it is more rewarding for you and for the cause. I also have a myriad of hobbies that would make me an excellent candidate.
Volunteering is one of my favorite past times. Being the selfish human being that I am (let’s be honest), I feel more rewarded spending my time doing something versus just writing a check. Besides, I could buy purses with that money. Instead, I prefer to hammer down nails and hammer in holes for the wonderful people at Habitat for Humanity. I like to give my time reading Dr. Seuss and articles out of Cosmo to the kids at the library. I would rather spend the time petting and walking the dogs at the humane society instead of buying them a bag of dog food. Anyone can buy or donate a bag of dog food. How many people would spend their time petting puppies and vicious Pomeranians? I make a sacrifice by doing these things. I could lose a finger, get rabies, or accidently nail a 2x4 to my leg.
When I am not risking my life for the greater good or working, I am spending my time doing things that have absolutely nothing to do with politics (or prostitutes, yay!). In my spare time, I like to write, read, shop, rescue orphans from burning buses, save cats from trees. I write a little bit of everything. When I was in high school, I wrote my fair share of emo poetry. I also had a small business writing screenplays for my fellow students. It was a win-win situation. The film study teacher got to read some really good screenplays, I got to practice and hone my writing skills, and my fellow students all got A’s (except for one). Oh, and I got fifty bucks a pop. I’m all about everyone winning. Oh, and world peace.
I also like to read. Lately, I have been diving into classic literature because I feel as though I am not as well-rounded as I should be. Also, my vocabulary is lacking a certain… je ne sais quoi…and I figured that maybe reading some literature from the middle ages would help me. How? I don’t know, it seems logical though, doesn’t it? Unfortunately, I have noticed a pattern in the books that I have been picking up. It’s all been depressing, Russian literature. Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against Russia. Russia is huge and, to tell you the truth, scares me just a little bit. Their literature has, I’m sure, been very influential. After all, they had War and Peace. That alone should validate the entire country. I mean, have you read it?!! Yeah, me neither… You know what? Russian literature…not that hard. The premise is basically the same, right? Poverty. Beer. Depression.
It was dark and dreary when I decided to step out of the impoverish hole that I liked to call home. My black hair was tousled and my star wristbands were halfway up my arm but what did I care? No one notices me anyway.
My neighbor, Rovovlkjavovlv, was drunk again and seemed to not be able to make it to his front door. He laid head-first in a hole in his front yard.
“Rovovlkjavovlv?” I muttered.
“Mmmnnmnmmm…” he muttered back.
Well, at least he’s not dead, I thought to myself. Should I help him? No, what was I thinking?! I am too involved with myself to worry about how depressed other people are. I continued to walk up my street with my head hung low. My argyle Converse seemed to move forward sluggishly this morning. Each diamond seemed to stare back at me and mock me in a condescending tone. “Don’t talk to me like that!” I shouted at my feet. Strangers looked up at me, startled. “What are you looking at?!” I screamed at their shocked faces.
People don’t understand how little they matter in a world this big. They call me crazy but they don’t know. I’m deep. My mind envelops ideas that they can’t even comprehend. Sometimes I see things that are so beautiful that I start to cry. And when I cry, my tears are bigger than theirs. My tears are so heavy that they weather the earth at my feet. This world is just too much for me. Sometimes I wonder if I should just drink myself to death like my father. He was a dirty old bum and I spit on his grave whenever I walk by it.
See, I can be emo too. I mean, Russian. I can be Russian too.
I also like to shop, rescue orphans from burning buses, save cats from trees. The ideal situation would be If I could do all of that in one swift motion. I would spend a few hours shopping for shoes, shiny things, maybe a purse, thirty or so blankets and teddy bears. Then on my way home I would save some kids from a burning bus or building, give them the blankets and teddy bears, and then I would rescue the orphanage’s cat, who ran up a tree for sanctuary from the flames before getting stuck. After all of that, I would go home and take a bath. Cause that’s just what you do after a hard day of shopping.
I have other hobbies but none of which are suitable for exposure at this time. Don’t worry though, I’m sure that you will get to hear about them soon enough. I’m sure that once I start setting up my candidacy more formally, those dirty reporters will dig all of those things up. I have to leave some things for them. What else are they going to do? Britney Spears and Tom Cruise can only have so many nervous breakdowns. I am all for keeping jobs here in the US and that is exactly what I am doing for those dirty paparazzi. By the way, my left side is my good side and I like to be photographed from below so that I seem taller.
This message was approved by Joy B_______ and Joy B_______ for president. Life-sized cardboard cutouts coming soon.